someone is “controlling,” we experience him/her as a person who applies
pressure on us (psychologically, emotionally, physically) to conform to their
notions of what we should do, think, feel, want, etc.
experience others as controlling when we feel cut off from our own options for
freely and comfortably thinking, feeling, or acting according to our personal values,
beliefs, needs and feelings.
rarely, or reluctantly, seek the input of others on projects and plans, and
often openly oppose them. They’re so
attached to their own ideas of what is “right” they may risk relationships
rather than back down.
controlling people are well-intended, and have others’ best interests at heart.
They are often people who love, and are loved, by us. They would deny or feel
mystified to think they are controlling.
example, parents sometimes have difficulty setting reasonable limits for their
teens, or recognizing when the teens become more capable of planning their own
lives. So they continue to try to control their teens, in ways that are no longer appropriate, and thus, tensions often build up between parents and their adolescent kids.
a partner (or even a boss) genuinely believes s/he has a superior understanding
of how the other should handle situations, and upon shutting out the input of
the other, cannot understand why hurt or anger is the response.
control can enter relationships unnoticed—such as when a couple is establishing
their needs and wants together—and one person takes charge of making most
decisions for both. The other may think
it would upset the relationship to object, and it is only later that resentment
and resistance set in.
for particular outcomes in situations is normal. People usually have ideas about what would be
“best” in life situations (their own and often other people’s). But to be so solidly attached to them that
they cause mental, emotional –sometimes even physical-- suffering to self or
other(s), is to be so invested in a viewpoint that it results in resistance,
arguments, ill-will, fear, avoidance, and sometimes, sadly, physical attacks.
people often demand as much of themselves as others, sometimes resulting in
rigid lifestyles. Life becomes a constant imposition of their will—whether on
self or other. There’s rarely any
awareness that things could always be otherwise.
you are a controlling person (and most of us are at times), learning to let go
of insisting on particular outcomes can be very freeing and improve
relationships. But it may be difficult to self-identify this role, because
people who feel controlled often try not to let their hurt and negative
feelings show, to avoid upsetting a delicate relationship balance, especially
if it’s very important to them.
you are the one feeling chronically controlled, or are the person who cannot
rest easily unless others always do as you think best, it would be easy to
assume that your relationship(s) do not satisfy or bring the happiness you
seek. Seeking professional assistance to deal with this condition is often very
effective. Consider making a confidential appointment to discuss your concerns.
Psychotherapy can help.
Copyright Kathi Whitten 2010